Autistic Woman Metabolizes Glucose

An autistic woman was observed metabolizing glucose the other day, according to researchers who are calling the event “a significant breakthrough in the observation of people with autism.”

“Our observations were unprecedented,” said autism and glucose researcher I.N. Sulin.  “In fact, our early models utterly failed to predict what we saw in the lab.  This autistic person – surely the first of her kind – first converted glucose to glucose-6-phosphate.  Then the glycogenesis pathways kicked in.

“We can only guess what would have happened if the subject’s cells had not been adequately supplied with glucose at the start of our observations,” Dr. Sulin continued. “Or if it had entered glycolysis.  Do autistic people produce pyruvate?  What about acetyl-SCoA?  It’s a brave new world for autism research!”

Members of the autism community with autism, however, received the results with mixed feelings.  “I wish researchers would spend more time on the true nature of autism,” lamented local autism mom P. Aaarent.  “My son’s autism has severe autism.  He will never metabolize glucose.  His glucose will never undergo glycogenesis and be stored as glycogen.  And even if by some miracle it does, his body will never be able to perform the glycogenolysis process that is the first step it returning that glycogen to useable energy within the body.  Instead he will rely on me and his father to metabolize his glucose for him for his entire life. This is the grim reality no one talks about.”

Conspiract-med researchers were also concerned by these findings.  “Glycogen?  Pyruvate dehydrogenase?  Acetyl-SCoA?  Levels of these dangerous chemicals are already far too high in ordinary children,” said Google University professor Dr. Anne T. Vax, author of Vaccinating Vaccines With Autism.  “Could they be causing the current autism epidemic?  I don’t know, and I’d rather science not find out.”

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