Autistic Woman’s Family Learns Her Language

The family of a local autistic woman have learned how to interpret her various movements and gestures in an incredible display of generosity that is without precedent in the great history of our nation.

“She’s real easy to read once you get the hang of it,” said the autistic woman’s platonic live-in female roommate.  “Like, when she flaps?  That means she’s happy.  Unless it’s really fucking loud, then she needs to go back outside.  Especially if she forgot her headphones.”

Neighbors and friends have flocked to the house to praise the hard work of the autistic woman’s strictly friendly roommate.

“I knew they were friends but I didn’t know they were such good friends,” said the autistic woman’s mother, who wished to remain anonymous and also to disavow ever having given birth to one of those people.  “Even when I attended their civil gal pal friendship ceremony at the local courthouse, I didn’t realize that they were getting along so well.  To understand that kid I may or may not have actually given birth to!  Just imagine it!  I can’t.”

“It’s a really great thing she’s done, trying to understand one of God’s little abominations,” said the autistic woman’s aunt, wiping away a tear.  “It gives me hope for humanity.  God knows I couldn’t do it.  If I were roommates with an autistic person, I would kill someone.  Not me, though.  I’m too perfect.”

The unprecedented event has drawn intense criticism from autism researchers, however.  “If her normal roommate can understand what she’s communicating then it’s not autism,” said noted art historian Bettel Brunoheim.  “It’s something else, like a performance art piece.  Maybe a sculpture.  Of an empty fortress.”



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